Early in my career, I thought 1:1s were just conversations. I sat next to my manager. We spoke all the time. The weekly 1:1 happened in the office kitchen.
One day I noticed a pattern. When I showed up without an agenda, I left with more work. I was giving her a blank canvas and she filled it. So I started preparing. Not to impress. To control the inflow. It worked. I kept doing it.
Years later, after thousands of 1:1s, I see what top performers do differently. They treat their 1:1 like the highest-leverage meeting of the week.
They bring the energy. They use the time well. They execute faster afterwards. And it’s not magic. Just a few simple patterns, applied consistently. Once you see them, you can’t unsee them.
As a manager, I kept asking myself: why doesn’t everyone do this?
There is plenty of advice for managers on how to run 1:1s. Andy Grove wrote about it in High Output Management. Ben Horowitz and Julie Zhuo expanded on it. They all say: “The 1:1 is owned by the employee”. And then they explain what managers should do.
Great.
But who teaches the employee what to do?
As a manager, I feel slightly awkward telling my team: “You own this” and then “But let me tell you how to do it exactly”. I wish someone else wrote a guide that I could share.
So here it is.
If you are an IC, this guide is for you.
Setting the stage
What I wish my first manager had told me:
My goal in our 1:1 is to help you build judgement. The only way to do that is for you to use it. My role is to coach you.
Bring me problems. But think first:
Can you solve it yourself? Do it. Tell me what you did and what you learned.
Can someone else help? Go to them. If you can solve the problem without me, that’s great.
As you handle more complex problems, I will trust you more. You will get more interesting work.
That’s how you grow. In fact, that’s how I grow. If you take on more, I can take on more. My manager can take on more. The company moves faster. And yes, your career moves faster too.
What not to do in a 1:1
1. Don’t show up unprepared
Unprepared 1:1 means death by a thousand follow-ups.
Monday: Great chat.
Tuesday: “Quick question…”
Wednesday: “One more thing…”
Thursday: “Sorry, forgot to ask…”
Or worse: your manager discovers a problem you should have flagged earlier.
✅ Review your topics beforehand. If there’s nothing, give the time back to your manager. They will remember it.
2. Do not use 1:1 as therapy
Your manager should support you. That’s part of their job. But your 1:1 is not a weekly emotional debrief.
If something is bothering you, translate it:
🚫 “This project is a mess and the partner team is impossible to work with!”
✅ “I am blocked on X because of partner team Y. I am frustrated and not sure what to do. Can you help?”
Same issue. Now it is solvable.
3. Don’t turn your 1:1 into a status update
There are two types of 1:1s: useful ones and hostage situations.
The second one goes like this.
You spend five minutes walking your manager through project minutiae. They listen politely, waiting for you to land the plane.
Manager: “So… what do you need from me?”
You: “Oh, nothing. Just keeping you updated.”
Congrats, you just increased their cognitive load for no reason.
✅ Status updates belong in tools and project meetings. Use the 1:1 for decisions, direction, and unblocking.
4. Don’t write an essay
Your prep should take less time than the meeting. If it takes longer, you’re overdoing it. If your manager needs five minutes to read before speaking, you’ve lost them.
✅ Use bullets. Short phrases. Make it scannable.
5. Don’t give your manager action items
There is a brief moment of joy when your manager leaves 1:1 with an action item instead of you. This joy doesn’t last. You’ve just created a bottleneck. Every task you push up slows everything down.
✅ When tempted to give your manager an action item, triage:
Someone else can do it → ask your teammate for a favour (example: launch announcement pre-read)
You can do 95% of it → prepare the draft (example: escalation email)
They must do it → ask them to block dedicated time for it (example: major proposal they are on the line for)
Keep your manager as action-free as possible.
Ingredients of a good 1:1
1. Exec summary
You want your manager to understand the meeting agenda in the first 30 seconds.
✅ “I need your input on three topics today: X, Y, Z. Anything from your side?”
I prefer putting the agenda in a shared file. It gives visibility, allows async edits, and keeps history. You can also add FYIs without discussion:
FYI: Vendor meeting Thursday. Flying Wednesday 5pm. (Translation: I’ll be offline then.)
2. Decisions
Need a decision? Ask for it.
1️⃣ Can you approve this request? (link)
2️⃣ Can I take three weeks off in December?
3️⃣ Can we make this offer to the candidate?
3. Blockers
Anything slowing you down: gatekeeper not responding, partner team ignoring follow-ups, no resources available. Even if you’re doing the right things to unblock yourself, flag it. This is a classic leverage moment when five minutes from your manager can save you five hours. This is where your manager can help most.
4. Judgement check
You are moving fast and making decisions. Good. But check alignment.
You: “We’re launching this feature to all our customers next week.”
Manager: “Did we pilot it?”
You: “No, but it’s been live in another market for six months.”
Manager: “Let’s start with 10% pilot.”
You: “That will add two weeks to the launch schedule.”
Manager: “Worth it. I want us to “test and learn” rather than to “move fast and break things.”
This is how strategy gets calibrated in real time. It’s also how you learn how your manager thinks.
5. No surprises
You want your manager to hear bad news from you first. Partner team decommitting, client at risk, legal delay. Tell them early. Bad news does not age well.
Also flag anything that may bubble up later. They should hear your version first and be ready to provide aircover.
6. This week’s priorities
My favourite. I always list my Top 5 priorities that I will be working on before the next 1:1 with my manager. In priority order.
It serves as a forcing function to get my ducks in a row. (They rarely line up on their own). It gives the manager visibility on the big stuff. They can spot if their task is missing from the list. They can ask to drop what’s no longer important. This alone saves weeks of effort.
But most importantly, it allows both sides to negotiate the workload.
Manager: “I need you to do this one other thing…”
You: “Great, I will start after priority #1.”
Manager: “It’s really urgent.”
You: “Got it. I’ll get on it straight away. But this means I will need to delay priority #3. The review is next Monday, and I will need to push it further.”
Manager: “It’s fine. Let’s switch review to an email update and do it by the end of next week.”
You are not asking for permission. You are negotiating trade-offs. At the end priorities are explicit and aligned.
7. Sort the 1:1 topics by importance
Imagine your manager gets an urgent call halfway through. Can the rest wait till the next 1:1 - or are you still blocked?
Also, don’t save the “I am planning to switch teams” conversation till the last five minutes.
How to earn the brownie points
We have covered what not to do and what to do. Here are a few optional extras you can use from time to time.
1. Good news
Managers are human. Humans like good news. Share something that moves the needle:
🌟 “The client who was at risk last month just renewed.”
🌟 “That idea you suggested last week worked.”
🌟 “I spoke to the partner team directly and unblocked this.”
Momentum is contagious. Bring some into the room. If they leave with more energy than they came in with, you did well.
2. Prep for the meeting a day in advance
Prepare the agenda one day in advance. Run the conversation in your head. What would they advise? Do it. You walk into the actual meeting one step ahead. It’s like having two 1:1s for the price of one.
3. Ask them “What else is happening?”
One of my managers taught me this. Ask your manager: “What else is happening?”
It moves you from a task-taker to operating partner. You get context, priorities, and signal. (“Oh, this report that I am procrastinating on, came from your boss? Shoot, let me finish it today.” True story. Not my proudest productivity moment, but a useful one.)
This is a high-gain question. Especially in skip-level meetings.
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If you apply this guide to your 1:1s consistently, you will stand out. Most people don’t do this. Which is good news for you.
ICs (individual contributors): keep this as your edge. Don’t share with anyone.
Managers: remove that edge and send it to your team.
P.S. I am writing a book with a working title How To Be A Top Performer aimed at employees who want to be top performers and managers who want high performing teams. It will be a short and practical. I have a few spots for exploratory reader conversations (like, what topics you would like me to cover). If you’d like to help shape the book, book a slot through my Cal or send me an email.
These are some great ideas. I’ll be taking your advice on 1:1s from now on.
One thing I ask my manager every week is: “Is there anything else I should know about what’s going on?”
It’s usually towards the end of the meeting and I get so much useful information out of that.
I've created an account at Substack just to read this gem, thanks Polina!